This past week or so has been filled with all sorts of mindless lounging, enough to make me feel a bit out of sorts. I can’t remember the last time I had so much time on my hands and so much “nothing” to do. It felt wonderfully mind-emptying at first, but now I’m getting to the point where I feel useless and unproductive. Not a very restful place to be…
I’m way looking forward to the youth retreat, themed “Choose Life and Serve God.” At the same time, I feel almost jittery. I’ve been given a lot of service areas–small group leader, worship musician, icebreaker coordinator, even bus monitor (although it seems like the duty is more for monitoring the directions rather than the people on the bus). I’ve tried to pray as often as I could remember about the retreat–so many things to lay down before the Lord. Above all, I’m worried about the condition of my heart. Am I prepared? Will I be able to do all of these things for God and for my brothers and sisters?
I catch myself thinking, “No, I can’t, just please let someone else do this…” at times, and I realize how self-centered I’m being about this whole thing. I know there’s nothing I can do to really be prepared except to throw myself down before the Lord and ask Him to prepare me, to equip me, to fill me with a loving and worshipful heart. I can almost feel my heart physically tremble when I focus on my fear of not being good (capable?) enough to serve. It’s so natural, this self-centeredness. Thankful to the Lord that He will do all, for His glory. And how self-pitying to think that He can’t prepare me, that He won’t use me!
This day I call the heavens and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
Deuteronomy 30:19-20
